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Evil Pirates... what?

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My Sad Kidneys
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WHY are my kidneys so sad you ask? Well because for some strange reason they crave water. I don't know what is with them. Those damn kidneys separated me from my pepsi and now I am going insane. I could just see it's sad little face as I set it down on the counter. The poor dear. Apparently I need my kidneys to live and to become and alcoholic so.... I guess that means I have to take care of them. If it was up to me, I would tear them out and throw them at a small animal. Some of you smart ass people out there will probably tell me "GOLLY, Why would being an alcoholic affect your kidneys? I thought it affected your liver! Not your kidneys!" Unfortunately someone was smart enough to ask this question to me (Smart? golly, mr/ms pirate person... is that sarcasm I sence?). So if any of you are this smart to ask me this, I say this to you: Believe it or not, but kidneys are the filter for your body. Now... this is just a stab in the dark, but the last time I checked... alcohol wasn't exactly too good for your body. There's a lot of shit to be filtered in that stuff. Good job, smart one, you just got yourself a sign.

Dear K.E.N,
     It has been almost an hour since I have been separated from my beloved pepsi. I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out. I have already resourted to juice, but it just isn't the same. I just want to say.. incase I don't make it out, I leave you my most treasured belongings....my Badtz-Maru stickers and my plushie Napoleon. Hope to see you soon.
                                                                   Love-
                                                                      Bepo.